Don't know where to start, don't need to actually. I can just start telling things. It's my thing you know; telling things. I like it this way. So it's same old; I go waltzing around doing my thing and all.
Times is hard at or around these times. Nothing to worry, though. It's just that I feel a little bit nervous. Like 'I have a bad ache in my arm which I can't tell why' kind of nervous. Things are complicated, confusing. Like I said, or like they say; sometimes it gets too dark to see. Those days when I feel kinda lost I try to hold on. Not just that I only try, I can manage, actually. I hold on to things which can't be taken away from me by any means. So long story short, I can manage.
I still play Lyn,eventually. It helps too much with this all being nervous situation. You know that Lyn has never complained about me being nervous. She just lies on my lap waiting to shed a tear. And as always I tell her gently; "cry baby, cry all you like". Then she begins at the touch of my finger. She lets me do what I can do best; she helps telling my story.
People still bore me, but I think I'm going through changes on that one. I just don't stand around being bored. I try to understand them. I try to figure a way to communicate better. And surprisingly, they listen to me, too. This is so strange. Sometimes I just babble till morning, and they still listen. Like I mentioned; I think my thing is telling things. So I just do it.
I miss things. You know, my life is full of schematics and formulas and all that boring, complicated stuff all the time. These days I just miss getting rid of all those. Just can't most of the time. I miss laughing and laughing to things only I can laugh to. Like the funny Japanese Doctor. But these days the situation is vice versa. I say things and people start laughing leaving me with a stupid expression like; "was it that funny?". I miss things.
This is like going the distance. There are no winners and no losers. You just have to go the distance. Not to accomplish anything, not to prove anything. You just have to faithful, as I said before. Faith is the most important thing in life; even more important than trust. I think I learned this the hard way, like the Calculus course. But it was a valuable lesson (unlike Calculus). I learnt staying up, having faith in myself, but more importantly having faith in him, having faith in her, having faith in you. As they say; "Semper Fidelis".
I thought I was impenetrable all the time. Nothing could do harm to me, to you, no one I cared about. But that was the most foolish thing I ever thought. I learned that. All the time we were fully exposed, open to many elements. Knowing this was almost too much to bare. It's painful. But then I understood there's nothing wrong with it. Sometimes you just have to live and the rest takes care of itself. Knowing this breaks my heart, in a way. It just keeps reminding me that I'm not in control. But then I get calmer, the smoke clears out and I see that I don't have to be in control in order to live up to my own expectations or achieving my dreams.
I think I have to sleep now, I'll wait for Mr. Sandman to put me down while I'm reading a book about dragons and swords and magic and all that stuff. Then I'll wake up in the morning, greeting the new day with all trouble it brings and all the pressure on my nerves. But it doesn't matter. After all, it shall be ok. It is going to be alright. You know how we say; it's going to be even more beautiful than the way we dreamed. I can't think of anything better than this to put my faith in.
-C.
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